Sunday, October 19, 2008

"When life ends..."

My grandpa died last night. He was in his 90's and ready to go. He didn't know us anymore and hadn't for a very long time, but what a beautiful soul- a gentle, kind spirit that lived a life that was, to me, perfect. He never raised his voice, used profanity, broke the law, nothing that would taint him or his family. My grandpa was full of love and discipline and did the right thing for himself and his family everyday of his life- a very simple life that allowed us to love him uncoditionally- always. This gentle soul is now with my grandma in a very special place and we, his family and friends go on, because that is what we do after a loved one dies. Whether we want to or not, we must go on. But we are better people because of the people we love and that love us. And anyone that knew my grandpa would agree. I am a better person because he was my grandpa.

This was not always the case though. I came from a home with morals and values as well as church every Sunday- which meant we were judged by this higher power I choose to call God. But when I was young God was feared and not a loving God- but an entity to be afraid of. So you didn't make mistakes and when you did you were to repent, and then try to move on and learn from your mistakes. But if you didn't repent, then you lived with the grief of what you had done and this was crippling to me, still is.

That guilt thing is killing me and has been for a very long time, and I have let this happen- I had no way to stop it, I did not have the tools. So after many mistakes in my teens I continued to allow these feelings of guilt to guide my way of thinking and living- which translates to, self-hatred, and absolutely no self-worth. With these emotions always swimming inside of me I began to own them and by doing this I continue to make life changing mistakes, by doing drugs, drinking, sleeping with many men and sinking into a life that left me with a hole that I was trying to fill with anything I could get my hands on, but a hole that grew with each passing day.

When I was 27 I found myself entertaining and eventually living with a drug dealer. He got me hooked on cocaine and I spent all my extra money on this drug to stay sane- my definition of sane

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

"This life is exactly what you make it"

My battle with drugs and alchohol started at the age of 16 -which was the first time i was drunk. I knew the feeling, the escape, the high was something i had been searching for, and i also knew that i was not like many of my friends. I was the one who would want to go for a drug or alchohol run at 3 or 4 in the morning when everyone was passing out. I never wanted to stop- no matter the cost or consequence. I lived minute to minute and i would drink and do drugs until i had to go to school or work and then i would either crash and burn, trying desperately to keep it together until i could get more, or i would have my stash and continue to get high.

In the beginning i had a handle on the addiction, but as the disease progressed i got further and further out of control. many times i would do too much cocaine and go into work too high or have to call in at the last minute. I began losing jobs and friends. my friends who partied once and awhile did not want to be with me, because i was out of control and becoming more and more desperate to be high all the time, which frequently put me in dangerous situations.

What the hell was i hiding from? what was the problem with my life that i felt the need to have a mind altering substance in my body at all times? well, until i started the recovery process at the age of 30- i wouldn't figure it out, and even then it was painful, and numbing, and confusing. I didn't know how to feel about anything i had gone through in my life. i didn't know what i was suppose to be or how to act. i had been inebriated for 14 years and getting sober brought with it an emotional, very scary time for me- i had to face all the shit i had been hiding from my entire life.

Growing up i felt like an only child many times because my brothers and sisters were older. i tried to get involved at school and did during JR high, but high school would be the real test and i failed miserably. I never felt like i fit in and ended up hanging with the "druggies." at least with my new friends no one was judging me, and i felt like i belonged. I didn't graduate from high school because i met a transient and dropped out in April of my senior year-a decision that would haunt me and add to my self-loathing, lack of self-worth and total inability to see the destructive life i was leading. I was setting myself up for a very lonely, desperate time when i would spiral into a world that would leave me completely empty and not wanting to feel or face my own reality.