Saturday, November 8, 2008

"Who am I Really?"

My son and i were watching a movie tonight and there was an abused woman who faked her own death to get out of an abusive relationship. So my son is trying to get caught up with the movie when he walks in half way through asking "So nobody in her new life knows about her past?" and i say "yeah". He replies, "kinda like i don't know anything about you?" Completely caught off guard i ask him what he means. "well, i never met my dad so he could be anybody and i only know what you have told me about before i was born and you could have lied." He is joking about my lying to him, but i have. and he has never met his father because i ran for my life after he beat me and almost strangled me to death when i was 3 months pregnant. how do you tell your kid that- ever? i have slowly revealed bits and pieces of my life with his father before- but only what he could handle. not sure if he will ever be able to handle the entire truth of my relationship with his biological father.

But the comment by him of not really knowing me- is so right on. he has no clue what a loser i was, and how i went from the cocaine dealer to his father who was a raging alcoholic, who at first treated me great and i felt like he was saving me from the drugs- until he began to control everything about my life. who i saw, who i talked to, when i left, where i was allowed to go. a complete nightmare and i was completely stuck. he moved me out of my apartment into his house and i either stayed with him or moved back with my parents at the age of 30. so i kept thinking i could make it work- i could. there were no drugs- that he knew of because when he was at work i was still seeing the cocaine man for a fix- but i was not doing it everyday- no i was only drinking everyday so i felt like i was much better. only now i was smoking coke, and only on the days i could "get away" while HE was at work. what a fucking mess. then i find out i am pregnant.

My idea of a family did not include daddy beating the shit out of mommy while he is drunk and she shows up late and high on crack cocaine, grabbing for the alcohol because she knows he is gonna kick her ass and doesnt hurt as bad when you're drunk. And this time it is so bad that she ends up in the driveway with no shirt- only a bra because he has ripped it off her- he is dragging her back into the house as the gravel is scraping her body, the neighbors call the cops and he is taken away. when he returns in the morning he kicks her ass again thinking she had something to do with the cops showing up and to ensure she wont press charges he chokes her and threatens to kill her. I write like this is happening to someone else, but it is me- this is what i am hiding from my beautiful boy. the monster his father was and the desperate woman i had become.

This is not how my life was suppose to turn out. why don't i get the happy family- why me? seems i would be asking that same question my whole life. before things could ever get better i had to change- not for me, but for the baby i was carrying inside. that little baby, who i loved the moment i found out i was pregnant. and thank God i was able to do the next right thing. i moved out, and quit alcohol and drugs for my baby. i had a chance to start over and i took it.

1 comment:

Lou said...

You can't do anything about the past. Glad to hear from you & see you are clean & sober.
One day at a time.. for your little guy.