I appreciate the people in my life who tell me exactly what I need to hear- not what isn't going to hurt my feelings-no sugarcoating reality. These are the people I respect, these are the people that care enough to say what I need to hear. My last entry was the self loathing, self-centered person I know so well- the addict, because when you're knee deep in your addiction you are worrying about one thing: YOURSELF! Nothing, no one else matters, not your child, your grandma or your dog. What a state to be stuck in- a place that is so lonely-like at 2 in the morning when the drugs are gone.
It is one thing to be stuck in your addiction and completely another to stuck in thinking about your addiction- thank God I know the difference, thank God I know that using will take me back to a place I NEVER want to be again. Thinking about using is my way of beating myself up, because i feel i deserve it. But is that how i want to live my clean and sober life? It is not and I am the only one who can change that.
So today I choose to do the right thing for myself and my family. Today I am going to choose to be there for my students- and when i get home i will be there for my son. Some days i am so drained from my work as a teacher that i forget that i am a teacher, and i am there for my student who is dealing with cancer, and for the student who's father is dying of cancer and for the girl who is pregnant. So I come home and get so stuck in my head that i forget about all that i am for others and i do not applaud that because i am scared to think that i am actually living again, because then i will have to work on healing. But i want to heal and move on and live.
So i choose, for today, to live in today and take it one day at a time and relish in my sobriety and if I ask for God's help (which i plan to) i just might do the same thing tomorrow too!
To the people who cared enough to comment to my previous blog and tell me exactly what i needed to hear- i thank you -and you and will be in my prayers too!
Friday, December 12, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
I celebrated a year of being clean off of crack cocaine last Wednesday. I haven't had a drink since July 17, 2006. So is this really a big deal? In the beginning of the last year of sobriety i was counting down the days and felt good about it. And now that it is here- what does it really mean? Well, i guess it means a whole hell of alot, but of course my messed up, addicted mind is playing it off like it is no big deal. Two days ago i was remembering one of my many binges with my shitty ex crack dealer who always ripped me off and expected sex for everything we did even when i paid my own way, and i honestly felt like i missed the whole experience. We would be in the basement of a building his parents owned that was full of crap, was musty and cold and we would stand for hours passing the pipe back and forth, smoking cigarettes, and getting high non-stop for hours. Instead of going to work i would spend several days doing this until by body would give out and i would have to get my shit together to go back to work. And this is what i missed? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am i so into self destruction? This life was so chaotic and us addicts thrive on that shit. I guess today i am pissed off because i am just surviving day to day and i am not living a fulfilling life because i am not giving of myself to others that need to hear my story to perhaps help them make sense of their own. But i am so afraid to tell my story- i dont want my friends to know about this loser i used to give sex to for drugs- he is a loser and a user and he used me up and when i was on the brink of being mentally and physically bankrupt he took off. For over 2 years he helped me spend every extra dime on drugs and used my body as a lure for more drugs. i guess i feel so ashamed of what i allowed him to do and that he got away with it. he just left- on to the next victim and here i am- still pissed and still emotionally fucked up and dont know why the hell i cant get it all straight and move on. But i havent and i cant and i sit here wishing i could use again and if he knocked on my door i would let him in and i would get high with him. i havent learned shit in a year clean- i am still the piece that shit i always have been and i dont deserve the life i have- my beautiful boy, my family, my dog, my house, my job... i deserve to have a bullet between my eyes because i would actually risk it all to get high again if given the chance. God please help me to understand what i am suppose to be doing- i am just existing in a shell of a body and am not worthy to even speak your name- help me dear Lord- show me the way, before it's too late.