Wednesday, December 3, 2008
"One solid year of sobriety- so what exactly does that mean?"
I celebrated a year of being clean off of crack cocaine last Wednesday. I haven't had a drink since July 17, 2006. So is this really a big deal? In the beginning of the last year of sobriety i was counting down the days and felt good about it. And now that it is here- what does it really mean? Well, i guess it means a whole hell of alot, but of course my messed up, addicted mind is playing it off like it is no big deal. Two days ago i was remembering one of my many binges with my shitty ex crack dealer who always ripped me off and expected sex for everything we did even when i paid my own way, and i honestly felt like i missed the whole experience. We would be in the basement of a building his parents owned that was full of crap, was musty and cold and we would stand for hours passing the pipe back and forth, smoking cigarettes, and getting high non-stop for hours. Instead of going to work i would spend several days doing this until by body would give out and i would have to get my shit together to go back to work. And this is what i missed? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am i so into self destruction? This life was so chaotic and us addicts thrive on that shit. I guess today i am pissed off because i am just surviving day to day and i am not living a fulfilling life because i am not giving of myself to others that need to hear my story to perhaps help them make sense of their own. But i am so afraid to tell my story- i dont want my friends to know about this loser i used to give sex to for drugs- he is a loser and a user and he used me up and when i was on the brink of being mentally and physically bankrupt he took off. For over 2 years he helped me spend every extra dime on drugs and used my body as a lure for more drugs. i guess i feel so ashamed of what i allowed him to do and that he got away with it. he just left- on to the next victim and here i am- still pissed and still emotionally fucked up and dont know why the hell i cant get it all straight and move on. But i havent and i cant and i sit here wishing i could use again and if he knocked on my door i would let him in and i would get high with him. i havent learned shit in a year clean- i am still the piece that shit i always have been and i dont deserve the life i have- my beautiful boy, my family, my dog, my house, my job... i deserve to have a bullet between my eyes because i would actually risk it all to get high again if given the chance. God please help me to understand what i am suppose to be doing- i am just existing in a shell of a body and am not worthy to even speak your name- help me dear Lord- show me the way, before it's too late.