Friday, December 12, 2008

"The more I am able to give, the more I will receive"

I appreciate the people in my life who tell me exactly what I need to hear- not what isn't going to hurt my feelings-no sugarcoating reality. These are the people I respect, these are the people that care enough to say what I need to hear. My last entry was the self loathing, self-centered person I know so well- the addict, because when you're knee deep in your addiction you are worrying about one thing: YOURSELF! Nothing, no one else matters, not your child, your grandma or your dog. What a state to be stuck in- a place that is so lonely-like at 2 in the morning when the drugs are gone.

It is one thing to be stuck in your addiction and completely another to stuck in thinking about your addiction- thank God I know the difference, thank God I know that using will take me back to a place I NEVER want to be again. Thinking about using is my way of beating myself up, because i feel i deserve it. But is that how i want to live my clean and sober life? It is not and I am the only one who can change that.

So today I choose to do the right thing for myself and my family. Today I am going to choose to be there for my students- and when i get home i will be there for my son. Some days i am so drained from my work as a teacher that i forget that i am a teacher, and i am there for my student who is dealing with cancer, and for the student who's father is dying of cancer and for the girl who is pregnant. So I come home and get so stuck in my head that i forget about all that i am for others and i do not applaud that because i am scared to think that i am actually living again, because then i will have to work on healing. But i want to heal and move on and live.

So i choose, for today, to live in today and take it one day at a time and relish in my sobriety and if I ask for God's help (which i plan to) i just might do the same thing tomorrow too!

To the people who cared enough to comment to my previous blog and tell me exactly what i needed to hear- i thank you -and you and will be in my prayers too!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

"One solid year of sobriety- so what exactly does that mean?"

I celebrated a year of being clean off of crack cocaine last Wednesday. I haven't had a drink since July 17, 2006. So is this really a big deal? In the beginning of the last year of sobriety i was counting down the days and felt good about it. And now that it is here- what does it really mean? Well, i guess it means a whole hell of alot, but of course my messed up, addicted mind is playing it off like it is no big deal. Two days ago i was remembering one of my many binges with my shitty ex crack dealer who always ripped me off and expected sex for everything we did even when i paid my own way, and i honestly felt like i missed the whole experience. We would be in the basement of a building his parents owned that was full of crap, was musty and cold and we would stand for hours passing the pipe back and forth, smoking cigarettes, and getting high non-stop for hours. Instead of going to work i would spend several days doing this until by body would give out and i would have to get my shit together to go back to work. And this is what i missed? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am i so into self destruction? This life was so chaotic and us addicts thrive on that shit. I guess today i am pissed off because i am just surviving day to day and i am not living a fulfilling life because i am not giving of myself to others that need to hear my story to perhaps help them make sense of their own. But i am so afraid to tell my story- i dont want my friends to know about this loser i used to give sex to for drugs- he is a loser and a user and he used me up and when i was on the brink of being mentally and physically bankrupt he took off. For over 2 years he helped me spend every extra dime on drugs and used my body as a lure for more drugs. i guess i feel so ashamed of what i allowed him to do and that he got away with it. he just left- on to the next victim and here i am- still pissed and still emotionally fucked up and dont know why the hell i cant get it all straight and move on. But i havent and i cant and i sit here wishing i could use again and if he knocked on my door i would let him in and i would get high with him. i havent learned shit in a year clean- i am still the piece that shit i always have been and i dont deserve the life i have- my beautiful boy, my family, my dog, my house, my job... i deserve to have a bullet between my eyes because i would actually risk it all to get high again if given the chance. God please help me to understand what i am suppose to be doing- i am just existing in a shell of a body and am not worthy to even speak your name- help me dear Lord- show me the way, before it's too late.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

"Who am I Really?"

My son and i were watching a movie tonight and there was an abused woman who faked her own death to get out of an abusive relationship. So my son is trying to get caught up with the movie when he walks in half way through asking "So nobody in her new life knows about her past?" and i say "yeah". He replies, "kinda like i don't know anything about you?" Completely caught off guard i ask him what he means. "well, i never met my dad so he could be anybody and i only know what you have told me about before i was born and you could have lied." He is joking about my lying to him, but i have. and he has never met his father because i ran for my life after he beat me and almost strangled me to death when i was 3 months pregnant. how do you tell your kid that- ever? i have slowly revealed bits and pieces of my life with his father before- but only what he could handle. not sure if he will ever be able to handle the entire truth of my relationship with his biological father.

But the comment by him of not really knowing me- is so right on. he has no clue what a loser i was, and how i went from the cocaine dealer to his father who was a raging alcoholic, who at first treated me great and i felt like he was saving me from the drugs- until he began to control everything about my life. who i saw, who i talked to, when i left, where i was allowed to go. a complete nightmare and i was completely stuck. he moved me out of my apartment into his house and i either stayed with him or moved back with my parents at the age of 30. so i kept thinking i could make it work- i could. there were no drugs- that he knew of because when he was at work i was still seeing the cocaine man for a fix- but i was not doing it everyday- no i was only drinking everyday so i felt like i was much better. only now i was smoking coke, and only on the days i could "get away" while HE was at work. what a fucking mess. then i find out i am pregnant.

My idea of a family did not include daddy beating the shit out of mommy while he is drunk and she shows up late and high on crack cocaine, grabbing for the alcohol because she knows he is gonna kick her ass and doesnt hurt as bad when you're drunk. And this time it is so bad that she ends up in the driveway with no shirt- only a bra because he has ripped it off her- he is dragging her back into the house as the gravel is scraping her body, the neighbors call the cops and he is taken away. when he returns in the morning he kicks her ass again thinking she had something to do with the cops showing up and to ensure she wont press charges he chokes her and threatens to kill her. I write like this is happening to someone else, but it is me- this is what i am hiding from my beautiful boy. the monster his father was and the desperate woman i had become.

This is not how my life was suppose to turn out. why don't i get the happy family- why me? seems i would be asking that same question my whole life. before things could ever get better i had to change- not for me, but for the baby i was carrying inside. that little baby, who i loved the moment i found out i was pregnant. and thank God i was able to do the next right thing. i moved out, and quit alcohol and drugs for my baby. i had a chance to start over and i took it.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

"When life ends..."

My grandpa died last night. He was in his 90's and ready to go. He didn't know us anymore and hadn't for a very long time, but what a beautiful soul- a gentle, kind spirit that lived a life that was, to me, perfect. He never raised his voice, used profanity, broke the law, nothing that would taint him or his family. My grandpa was full of love and discipline and did the right thing for himself and his family everyday of his life- a very simple life that allowed us to love him uncoditionally- always. This gentle soul is now with my grandma in a very special place and we, his family and friends go on, because that is what we do after a loved one dies. Whether we want to or not, we must go on. But we are better people because of the people we love and that love us. And anyone that knew my grandpa would agree. I am a better person because he was my grandpa.

This was not always the case though. I came from a home with morals and values as well as church every Sunday- which meant we were judged by this higher power I choose to call God. But when I was young God was feared and not a loving God- but an entity to be afraid of. So you didn't make mistakes and when you did you were to repent, and then try to move on and learn from your mistakes. But if you didn't repent, then you lived with the grief of what you had done and this was crippling to me, still is.

That guilt thing is killing me and has been for a very long time, and I have let this happen- I had no way to stop it, I did not have the tools. So after many mistakes in my teens I continued to allow these feelings of guilt to guide my way of thinking and living- which translates to, self-hatred, and absolutely no self-worth. With these emotions always swimming inside of me I began to own them and by doing this I continue to make life changing mistakes, by doing drugs, drinking, sleeping with many men and sinking into a life that left me with a hole that I was trying to fill with anything I could get my hands on, but a hole that grew with each passing day.

When I was 27 I found myself entertaining and eventually living with a drug dealer. He got me hooked on cocaine and I spent all my extra money on this drug to stay sane- my definition of sane

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

"This life is exactly what you make it"

My battle with drugs and alchohol started at the age of 16 -which was the first time i was drunk. I knew the feeling, the escape, the high was something i had been searching for, and i also knew that i was not like many of my friends. I was the one who would want to go for a drug or alchohol run at 3 or 4 in the morning when everyone was passing out. I never wanted to stop- no matter the cost or consequence. I lived minute to minute and i would drink and do drugs until i had to go to school or work and then i would either crash and burn, trying desperately to keep it together until i could get more, or i would have my stash and continue to get high.

In the beginning i had a handle on the addiction, but as the disease progressed i got further and further out of control. many times i would do too much cocaine and go into work too high or have to call in at the last minute. I began losing jobs and friends. my friends who partied once and awhile did not want to be with me, because i was out of control and becoming more and more desperate to be high all the time, which frequently put me in dangerous situations.

What the hell was i hiding from? what was the problem with my life that i felt the need to have a mind altering substance in my body at all times? well, until i started the recovery process at the age of 30- i wouldn't figure it out, and even then it was painful, and numbing, and confusing. I didn't know how to feel about anything i had gone through in my life. i didn't know what i was suppose to be or how to act. i had been inebriated for 14 years and getting sober brought with it an emotional, very scary time for me- i had to face all the shit i had been hiding from my entire life.

Growing up i felt like an only child many times because my brothers and sisters were older. i tried to get involved at school and did during JR high, but high school would be the real test and i failed miserably. I never felt like i fit in and ended up hanging with the "druggies." at least with my new friends no one was judging me, and i felt like i belonged. I didn't graduate from high school because i met a transient and dropped out in April of my senior year-a decision that would haunt me and add to my self-loathing, lack of self-worth and total inability to see the destructive life i was leading. I was setting myself up for a very lonely, desperate time when i would spiral into a world that would leave me completely empty and not wanting to feel or face my own reality.