I appreciate the people in my life who tell me exactly what I need to hear- not what isn't going to hurt my feelings-no sugarcoating reality. These are the people I respect, these are the people that care enough to say what I need to hear. My last entry was the self loathing, self-centered person I know so well- the addict, because when you're knee deep in your addiction you are worrying about one thing: YOURSELF! Nothing, no one else matters, not your child, your grandma or your dog. What a state to be stuck in- a place that is so lonely-like at 2 in the morning when the drugs are gone.
It is one thing to be stuck in your addiction and completely another to stuck in thinking about your addiction- thank God I know the difference, thank God I know that using will take me back to a place I NEVER want to be again. Thinking about using is my way of beating myself up, because i feel i deserve it. But is that how i want to live my clean and sober life? It is not and I am the only one who can change that.
So today I choose to do the right thing for myself and my family. Today I am going to choose to be there for my students- and when i get home i will be there for my son. Some days i am so drained from my work as a teacher that i forget that i am a teacher, and i am there for my student who is dealing with cancer, and for the student who's father is dying of cancer and for the girl who is pregnant. So I come home and get so stuck in my head that i forget about all that i am for others and i do not applaud that because i am scared to think that i am actually living again, because then i will have to work on healing. But i want to heal and move on and live.
So i choose, for today, to live in today and take it one day at a time and relish in my sobriety and if I ask for God's help (which i plan to) i just might do the same thing tomorrow too!
To the people who cared enough to comment to my previous blog and tell me exactly what i needed to hear- i thank you -and you and will be in my prayers too!