Friday, December 12, 2008

"The more I am able to give, the more I will receive"

I appreciate the people in my life who tell me exactly what I need to hear- not what isn't going to hurt my feelings-no sugarcoating reality. These are the people I respect, these are the people that care enough to say what I need to hear. My last entry was the self loathing, self-centered person I know so well- the addict, because when you're knee deep in your addiction you are worrying about one thing: YOURSELF! Nothing, no one else matters, not your child, your grandma or your dog. What a state to be stuck in- a place that is so lonely-like at 2 in the morning when the drugs are gone.

It is one thing to be stuck in your addiction and completely another to stuck in thinking about your addiction- thank God I know the difference, thank God I know that using will take me back to a place I NEVER want to be again. Thinking about using is my way of beating myself up, because i feel i deserve it. But is that how i want to live my clean and sober life? It is not and I am the only one who can change that.

So today I choose to do the right thing for myself and my family. Today I am going to choose to be there for my students- and when i get home i will be there for my son. Some days i am so drained from my work as a teacher that i forget that i am a teacher, and i am there for my student who is dealing with cancer, and for the student who's father is dying of cancer and for the girl who is pregnant. So I come home and get so stuck in my head that i forget about all that i am for others and i do not applaud that because i am scared to think that i am actually living again, because then i will have to work on healing. But i want to heal and move on and live.

So i choose, for today, to live in today and take it one day at a time and relish in my sobriety and if I ask for God's help (which i plan to) i just might do the same thing tomorrow too!

To the people who cared enough to comment to my previous blog and tell me exactly what i needed to hear- i thank you -and you and will be in my prayers too!

1 comment:

Lou said...

Beth, thanks for commenting at my place, and letting me know you are OK. I read about the overwhelming odds you have managed, and your ongoing struggles with health & being a single mom. It is amazing to me. God has been so good to you to bring you this far. Along with your own incredible will & spirit. I know many people that have been unable to reach inside themselves and pull out the determination you have. Yes, that stinkin thinkin is insidious. Keep fighting TODAY.
And I could never be a teacher. I would have to carry a giant ruler to be busting me some heads. No patience;)
Check out one my links called FrankieCon's Struggle. This guy spent so much time in jail because of his habit. Finally, he is getting his life together, and doing it with no education, a bunch of felonies, and living right in the middle of drug central. He writes honestly & I think you might relate.
Take care of the little guy.